Broken by the Benefit of the Doubt

I’ve been writing what I hope will be my first book.

Thing is I haven’t been adding much to it as my new job kinda makes it difficult for me to write anything other than stuff for my job lately. I’ve just had a thought that may be a quick solution to this. I’ll either post to my blog while I’m on break at work or do some work on my book.

The book, by the way, will most likely be self-published if published at all. We’ll see how that goes.

Back to the topic…

I know my blog is all over the place but have you checked the name of my blog? Based on my bio I may seem a bit naive and optimistic, but the truth is I’m quite pessimistic. Well I know I am but the character assessments I’ve done say otherwise. But who knows me better than I do? Probably my mother-in-law.  Oh and the urban dictionary because they totally get me.

So according to the urban dictionary, I’m optimistically pessimistic…but I wonder if I could also be pessimistically optimistic. I don’t think that’s a thing as one would cancel out the other. Right?

Back to the topic…again

So I might just have given my book its title with this post. Here’s the thing, I don’t really like people but they don’t know that because my mother taught us to never treat people differently no matter what their situation is or how they’ve treated you or who they are. This doesn’t apply to my current neighbours though, I really don’t like them so I’ll continue to ignore and dislike them.

Back to the topic…seriously

For me, I give people the benefit of the doubt almost automatically and automatically it comes back to bite me in the ass. Thankfully not literally because I bruise easily.

Group projects- I try to take on new people to see their strengths and how I can include them in my network of creativity and confusion but they are waaaaay too confusing and lack creativity even though they told me they had what I needed.

Music-I hear a few songs by an artiste and I think oh their album might not be so bad, a can only listen to the song(s) that brought me to the album. I might have brought that let down on myself but isn’t that what the benefit of the doubt is?

Relationships-They talk their best game and I get sucked into their web of lies. I thought he was one of the good guys until he wasn’t. Like the guy, I wasted two years of my life on and all he did was suck the energy out of me. The others were easy to walk away from because I sensed the disappointment.

Snacks-A certain potato chip and their bag of air. Snacks that promise to be great and fresh but are stale and make me want my money back.

Giving people and things the benefit of the doubt is easy but its also hard. When your conscience warns you not to but you go against it and do it and regret it. Like the time I tried to go to my first ever after-school fete with my friends and got mugged. I knew I shouldn’t have gone because, (1.) I don’t like crowds and would not know what to do. (b.) if my mom found out she would’ve knocked me out because I didn’t have her permission to stay out late much less go to some fete where she knew absolutely no one who would be there and (3.) I’ve never had a birthday party or any party (even now) so what was I trying to do?

Needless to say, my ass has not been to another party or fete since. Except for office parties and I think that was like twice. Oh and the past summer when I was the camp photographer and worked the events. I learned that lesson the hard way.

Police officers- this comes from the way they treated me when I went to report that I had just been mugged. (I mean in the movies that’s what they do and I expected that that was also the right thing to do.) Yeah, the woman at the desk laughed at me because I was crying and looked like I wanted to beat the life out of her for laughing at me. She thought I was crying because I knew my mom would’ve beaten my ass. While that has some truth to it, I was really upset because that was my only phone, as a matter of fact, my bother lent it to me and it was a cool phone at the time and I knew I’d never get another great phone again just to teach me a lesson.

sophia Continue reading “Broken by the Benefit of the Doubt”


#Cringe Moment

If you overthink things like I do, there is never a day that your brain won’t choose the most inopportune time to drum up the past to remind you of a moment it failed you. Lately, I’ve been having them more times than I would actually care but I’m determined to embrace them as a true confusingly creative college chick.

Today’s episode could be the reason for my sudden headache but hey I’m gonna share it with you.

So once again I’m applying to work and the worst thing happened. The application portal requires that I state the salary I expect to receive annually. First of all, if I should state that bit of information I’m sure my application will be a laughing stock and perhaps serve as office humour for quite awhile. In my head, this is what happens with everything I have ever said or done that I consider being even remotely embarrassing.

Like the time I was in the studio for my radio prerecording session and decided to snap the “fun” moments. They might seem fun but I had no business doing it. Yes, I have a snapchat account, and no, I’m not an impulsive “snapper“. The things I have posted on my snapchat…oh you would cringe for me!

That’s even worse if you ask me. Someone else having a cringe moment for you or worse cringing with you and even worse cringing because of you. Some people would say that it’s okay to embrace your not so ideal moments and I would ask that person to prove that they aren’t a robot. It’s all good until your brain loses focus and replays moments that you had hoped it would have forgotten to make room for the stuff you stayed up three nights in preparation for your finals and tried to cram into it.

Cringe moments with your family are cute, sometimes, if you don’t overthink it. But if you’re dating and something happens that’s cringe-worthy…please believe that it will haunt you forever. Especially if you are no longer with that person.

Remember that paper you wrote and swore it was the best thing you would ever produce? Reread it why don’t you? What’s that? You didn’t cringe? Well whoop-de-do! I take my hat off to you!

But you still have future cringes to come. Like your graduation, or wedding or some funeral that you’ll have to give a eulogy at or even your own. Haven’t you seen like everybody’s wedding video that’s shared somewhere on the world wide web? Too many of them! But so glad to have them! That way I can cringe at someone else and give myself a break.

Well, that’s all, I had a cringe moment and thought I’d write about it but it turns out I didn’t actually write about the moment of disquietude.

For now, I am the cringing and confused college girl.



Am I Jonah or Chieniel

Hey there! It’s been a while I know, but my excuse is the inevitable I had so many assignments to do I just couldn’t spare the time.

Now that I’ve cleared that up, I bet you’re wondering what this is about. And some of you may have guessed it, I’m giving you an update on my unadventurous life and comforting myself, sort of.

So I wrote some time ago that I had a fear of success and just before I started this post I googled it and The Jonah Complex was a part of my search results.  I should be writing a letter requesting financial assistance towards the completion of my studies and I am procrastinating because I’ve been in a slump with my writing for about two months now and I’m also afraid that my letter will not only go unanswered but even worse, rejected.

So what if it is? I wouldn’t be the first to be denied a scholarship.

Moving on…

Please tell me you know who Jonah is. I don’t personally know a fellow named Jonah, but hopefully, in the future, I will. Yes, I think the name Jonah would suit my son, let’s hope his father will agree. But that’s beside the point!

The Jonah I’m referring to is the prophet who was sent by God to warn the people of Nineveh of their impending doom. So Jonah’s challenge was to face a very wicked set of people and tell them that because of their distasteful behaviour they were gonna die. I mean who wouldn’t run from that kind of responsibility?

Jonah being swallowed up by a whale was fortunate but I know I’d want the whale to chew me before he swallowed for two reasons.

  1. Who swallows their food without chewing? I mean come on! Your mother didn’t raise a barbarian, did she? I’m very concerned about this creature being so careless and irresponsible with their health.
  2. I’m trying to die here so if you’re gonna be helpful do it right.

Now according to Wikipedia, which I shouldn’t be quoting right now because I was taught that it isn’t credible; the Jonah Complex is the fear of success which prevents self-actualization, or the realization of one’s potential. It is the fear of one’s own greatness, the evasion of one’s destiny, or the avoidance of exercising one’s talents. As the fear of achieving a personal worst may serve to motivate personal growth, likewise the fear of achieving a personal best may hinder achievement. (some CTRL+C was used just now along with CTRL+V).

How is it applicable to me?

You must not have been following. I’m supposed to be writing a letter requesting help to fund my tuition but because I’m afraid that my letter may not get the response I need I’m hesitant to write it. Deep down I know that I could write a letter that will blow the minds of the audience it is intended for but this semester has taken so much from me I can’t quite bring myself to put the words on paper.

But here I am and I’d appreciate it if you would stop judging me right now.

As a student of communication, it shouldn’t be this hard to write a letter and believe me that’s not even the issue. Boy, have I got layers? I don’t like asking for help. There I said it! It’s not pride, or is it? The idea of being rewarded for proving with some extra effort that I’m worthy of being compensated or rewarded just doesn’t make any sense to me. No these people are not familiar with me or my work, so they can’t just get up and invest in me as I’d like them to, so I need to prove to them that I am worthy of even their consideration.

Pssssh, they’ve made worse decisions. Not saying that I would be a regret. I’m a safe bet… it doesn’t get much safer than Chieniel. I’m also not saying that these people who reward students with grants and scholarships make bad choices.

So I guess there is some Jonah in me but at the end of the day, I am Chieniel.

Chieniel the communications specialist student who is worthy of a scholarship that will ensure that she is able to complete her Bachelors degree in Communication Arts and Technology, which she is excelling at just so you know. A degree meant for her; let’s just say that she puts the C-O-M in communicate. She wants to write, to represent, to create, share and impact. To do this she must complete her studies, however, she is financially challenged and this adds to her fear of being successful.

I hope this makes sense.

Yours in frustration

another struggling college girl

(Disney songs motivated this post)


2:24 p.m.-2:43 p.m. thoughts

On Tuesday, October 17, 2017 I sat with my computer in my hot house and tried to prepare a proposal for my first documentary which is actually coursework. I recalled a previous lecture on creativity that my favourite lecturer had recently which left me puzzled.

Here I am, the “creativelyconfusedcollegegirl” and my work and life was lacking just that. Yes there are those who will say I am one of the most creative persons that they know but I have to say I could be a lot better. So I tried to be creative. One thing that stood out most to me from the lecture was that creativity can be boosted when one listens to music. I remember thinking that might work for me if I listened to Brahms or Tchaikovsky or Chopin or Vivaldi…my reference comes from reading Fifty Shades and looking up every single song mentioned.

There have been times when my mind was restless and I reached for these but thinking about it now they didn’t really lull me to sleep. I had thought after thought about things I wanted to do with my life.

Back to trying to do my documentary proposal.

Somehow I ended up listening to Janet Jackson’s Would you mind, Tank’s When we and Chrishan’s Sin City on repeat. Needless to say they didn’t help. If you look these songs up on YouTube you’ll see why and probably have an idea of what they did.

Don’t be a prude.

Now with the deadline for my proposal even closer than before I once again sit with my laptop and contemplate how much time I’ve lost/wasted. I’ve listened to Ray Charles, Pentatonix and now Vivaldi.

I’ve had an epiphany and I leave you here for now. Hopefully I’ll come back soon to tell you about it. But before I leave, tell me or ask yourself.

Do you consider yourself to be creative? How do you embrace it? Do you embrace it? Is there anything that you do to bolster your creativity?

Today I am a curious and frustrated college girl.

Me and who or should that be whomst and I?

If you spend four, maybe more for some, years in college and leave without establishing a friendship that made it through the toughest of times and will hopefully see you through some even tougher moments, what would that say about you? Should it say anything though? After all, this isn’t high school where it seemed necessary to have enough friends to at least make your social media presence worth the work.

Oh I can just recall my days in high school when Facebook was the hottest thing to be apart of.  Boy was I in my prime then… I would literally go to school and just wait for people to walk up to me and make some comment about something I posted. I remember the my first announcement on Facebook which shook my mostly my year group with tremors felt around the rest of the school; I had shared with my people that I was in a relationship. I had logged off so that the “peasants” could bask in my news and that was when my brother took his shot and stole my shine.

I can’t recall his exact words, but I do remember that they made my post even more interesting as he addressed the “young man” who remained anonymous. I think the guy even contacted me the day after and asked me why I had put him in the spotlight like that. He was even afraid that my brother would find out who he was. Haha! That was when I first realized how powerful my words were and vowed never to make another announcement like that again on social media.

That young man is no longer apart of my life neither are most of the people I had befriended then.

Now I use Instagram, Snapchat and Whatsapp and boy oh boy my words do get around. For my studies, a whatsapp group was created so that students can keep up with assignments and network. Assignments, job postings and gossip is the pretty much what we get into. Yes, myself included…funny enough, people always found what I said in the group to be funny or on-point or just plain savage, but they didn’t actually know who was saying it until last semester. I kinda had a gossip girl moment when my identity was  revealed.

The whomsts, yes I said that! The whomsts of my life is so diverse. I have created a  network of writers, editors, photographers, audio engineers, actors, chefs and connoisseurs of all kinds. These individuals will tell you that it was something that I either wrote or said that brought us together. This I am truly appreciative of, as I wouldn’t want anyone to recall anything too embarrassing to share with anyone else about me when they introduce or roast me.

No the point of a roast isn’t lost on me.

My whomsts, I intend to hold on to for as long as I can. These are the people who pull me up and push me to complete my studies everyday. When I have writers block, there’s always someone who needs their work revised and what could be better motivation than correcting another person’s work? It’s not what you think, they actually value my opinion and eye for detail, and they also know that this is my way of contributing to their lives…scholastically that is.

These whomsts will work with and for me in the future. This is networking, the friends I’ve made in college. They serve a purpose and not just to love and support me but to criticize and defend me. To grow with me and to everyday be a better version than the first version of themselves that I met the first time.

By doing for me, I do for them also. Its a special kind of relationship, where we don’t expect the extremes of each other and our expectations are fulfilled by our mere presence in each others lives. This is what we will use to nourish our relationship for as long as they will last.

I dedicate this post to Makeda; my creative everything and biggest whomst. The inspiration behind so much of my work and attitude adjustment. To the top we go!

Watch out world

This girl isn’t confused tonight…she’s just creative.


S.N. Carrie Underwood’s What can I say, was on repeat for awhile while I wrote this.

Why can’t I?

I’ve been meaning to write something or post something here for the longest time. But procrastination which has become my worst trait, got the better of me. What have I been up to?

Well, this summer I got a job as a photographer. I managed to capture some beautiful moments, meet people I won’t soon forget and visit places I didn’t even know existed. I can’t help but think that this is something that every person would want to experience at some point in their life, and as a college student it was just like a bonus that I received compensation for it. Would I do it again? I might…but with my own demands.

What else?

I’m now in my third year of university, (one more year to go…hopefully) and my creative partner has returned. She had to sit out a semester due to medical complications and I am excited to see what we will come up with this year as a team. She’s an amazing individual, who initially intimated me and has now become my confidante. I hope in future I will be able to introduce her on this platform and the others I intend to pursue.

What else?

I’m single now and sorta kinda wanna start dating. I’m hesitant for a number of reasons, my main reason is this, I don’t think I know what I want in a man or what I even want a man for? I can have my pick of them, trust me…but I don’t want to cheat them out of being with the best version of me. Right now, I’m not at my worst, but I know I could be better.

Anything else?

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about changing my lifestyle and image. I want to cut my hair off again, just so I can be free from the “burden” of paying attention to it. I was so free when I did my first big chop, everyday I wore a pink bejeweled tam to school. Actually I wore that tam everywhere I could and it’s still in good condition. Should I cut my hair again anytime soon, I don’t plan to hide under the tam.

I’m not finished with this one.

Also, I’ve thought about going back to the gym. My trainer insists and I’m begging him to change up my progamme; or I promise to become bored and miserable every time I set foot into his space…again. Along with this return to fitness, I plan to record my journey… for real. Like I’m in discussion with a production team and I’ve decided that this will be good.

You’re hearing it first.

I might call it Chien Chronicles. Chien is short for Chieniel and that’s what my family and friends call me. Oh boy; “Hi I’m Chi-eh-ni-el but nobody usually gets it right the first time so you can call me Chien”. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve used this to introduce myself. Now I just shy away from meeting new people. Anyways, Chien Chronicles would be the video version of what I had envisioned my blog to be.

I’ve found that I have quite a lot to say and have been wasting my thoughts by keeping them to myself because I’m afraid I’ll offend someone but as a journalist it’s okay to offend sometimes, so long as you are speaking the truth…I beg to differ. (that’s why I can’t be a journalist). I wish I could just write them down and share them here, but I haven’t quite mastered the art of putting my expressions in my words. If you get what I’m saying.

I mean why can’t I just sit around my computer and type up what I’m thinking and how I feel?

Oh you mean like you’re doing now?

Who said that?

Why can’t I procrastinate less and push myself to do all those things I think about doing day after day? Why can’t I just get up, go to the gym, argue less with my trainer and squat more and get that workout done?

I’m stuck.

I was overwhelmed with so many answers just now, I’ve already forgotten what they were.

I can get up and just go to the gym and get my workout done. And I can procrastinate less and get more done. I can do so much! But deep down I have a fear that’s holding me back. I’m afraid of being successful. I’m afraid I’ll forget who I am too quickly. I’m afraid I’ll become one of the persons I criticize everyday. I’m afraid who I am right now isn’t who will be successful.

Why can’t I though? Who says I can’t?

Here’s to me! Taking on this challenge of proving myself to myself and introducing myself to the rest of the world. Will you come along for the ride?

Would you be interested in Chien Chronicles?

For now

I leave you and return to my thoughts as a tired and cranky

College Girl



I think I have them too often for someone who is crippled with procrastination. I mean I keep telling myself I’m going to do better and do more; then I sit back and fold my arms and forget about it. There have been moments when I gave in and actually did something I knew would be worth it.

Take for instance my new summer employment opportunity. Of course I could say summer job, but that’s so basic and almost everyone has one. I call it summer employment opportunity for three reasons.

Reason no.1

I applied for a job by using a risky resume. Well not necessarily risky, but I used information I had received last year from my summer employer and it worked. What’s that advice? I thought you’d never ask.

The Assistant Human Resource Manager for one of my country’s biggest financial institutions encouraged my batch of summer mentees to rework our resumes and evolve from the regular black and white, to the paper that gets the first pick out of the batch. I did and I ensured that I did the second thing she said. I’m gonna tell you, don’t worry. When you apply to especially their company, on your CV or resume if you will, include or highlight what they want to see. They needed summer camp teachers with specific skills, I am a certified educator and I am also a liberal student. So I applied with a not very plain resume. Resume just click that right there.

It worked, I was called for an interview and was presented with the opportunity however not for the position I had applied for.

Reason no.2

During my interview, I realized that I was failing to connect with my interviewers. They didn’t seem too pleased with my explanations of what I could bring to the table as a teacher. So in the most random and quite impressive way I brought up another skill that I possess. I am a media student, which means that I have photography, videography, audio-visual skills and experience. It worked! I am now the camp photographer.

The downside to this is one of my worst procrastinating ever. I signed up for a free online photography course for four weeks. The time difference made it just terrible. I could hardly bring myself to get up at 2 a.m. my time to learn photography, so after awhile I would just roll over after hitting snooze 10 times on my phone’s alarm. You live and you learn. All that I can do now is apply what I have been taught by my lecturer and youtubers to get this job done.

Just a side note; I hope to document my experience here. Sort of a challenge to myself that should prove interesting and give my page more traffic.

Now I had to present a plan of action to the coordinators of the camp and once again I did the unexpected. This time procrastination came in handy. It all came to me on the day the plan was due…yup I waited until the day my work was due to do it. I hope to change that in future. Wish me luck! I decided to do more than just photography.

I shall create a digital newsletter using a particular software. It will be time consuming and frustrating but well worth it. Why? I need to make up my portfolio as an editor and this is my start. I can just feel it! I’ll be doing other things but I’d rather not go into all of that.

Are you still with me? I’m almost finished…I promise.

Reason no.3

When I was told I had been successful; i.e. I got the job. I was told to look out for a certain email. I was so shocked that I hadn’t been able to follow the telephone conversation at the time. But it seems I may have received another opportunity with the company, which could mean working with two sets of persons and bringing home two pay cheques. Hey a girl has to be hopeful!

By the way this second opportunity requires completing an application. You guessed it! I did not apply.

So yes, I consider these opportunities. These are not easy to come by where I am from. You especially have to know someone who can get you in. I was told this by an employment specialist. These events have been huge for me because it means that I got to this part on my own merit.

What’s my lesson? I need to do more, after-all, I’m doing it for myself. If I’m going to make it and blow minds, I better start from here down at the bottom and shatter my way to the top. That sounds weird but it makes sense.

My epiphany. I knew this all along.

Wish me luck!

As I am today your Inspired College Girl