Broken by the Benefit of the Doubt

I’ve been writing what I hope will be my first book.

Thing is I haven’t been adding much to it as my new job kinda makes it difficult for me to write anything other than stuff for my job lately. I’ve just had a thought that may be a quick solution to this. I’ll either post to my blog while I’m on break at work or do some work on my book.

The book, by the way, will most likely be self-published if published at all. We’ll see how that goes.

Back to the topic…

I know my blog is all over the place but have you checked the name of my blog? Based on my bio I may seem a bit naive and optimistic, but the truth is I’m quite pessimistic. Well I know I am but the character assessments I’ve done say otherwise. But who knows me better than I do? Probably my mother-in-law.  Oh and the urban dictionary because they totally get me.

So according to the urban dictionary, I’m optimistically pessimistic…but I wonder if I could also be pessimistically optimistic. I don’t think that’s a thing as one would cancel out the other. Right?

Back to the topic…again

So I might just have given my book its title with this post. Here’s the thing, I don’t really like people but they don’t know that because my mother taught us to never treat people differently no matter what their situation is or how they’ve treated you or who they are. This doesn’t apply to my current neighbours though, I really don’t like them so I’ll continue to ignore and dislike them.

Back to the topic…seriously

For me, I give people the benefit of the doubt almost automatically and automatically it comes back to bite me in the ass. Thankfully not literally because I bruise easily.

Group projects- I try to take on new people to see their strengths and how I can include them in my network of creativity and confusion but they are waaaaay too confusing and lack creativity even though they told me they had what I needed.

Music-I hear a few songs by an artiste and I think oh their album might not be so bad, a can only listen to the song(s) that brought me to the album. I might have brought that let down on myself but isn’t that what the benefit of the doubt is?

Relationships-They talk their best game and I get sucked into their web of lies. I thought he was one of the good guys until he wasn’t. Like the guy, I wasted two years of my life on and all he did was suck the energy out of me. The others were easy to walk away from because I sensed the disappointment.

Snacks-A certain potato chip and their bag of air. Snacks that promise to be great and fresh but are stale and make me want my money back.

Giving people and things the benefit of the doubt is easy but its also hard. When your conscience warns you not to but you go against it and do it and regret it. Like the time I tried to go to my first ever after-school fete with my friends and got mugged. I knew I shouldn’t have gone because, (1.) I don’t like crowds and would not know what to do. (b.) if my mom found out she would’ve knocked me out because I didn’t have her permission to stay out late much less go to some fete where she knew absolutely no one who would be there and (3.) I’ve never had a birthday party or any party (even now) so what was I trying to do?

Needless to say, my ass has not been to another party or fete since. Except for office parties and I think that was like twice. Oh and the past summer when I was the camp photographer and worked the events. I learned that lesson the hard way.

Police officers- this comes from the way they treated me when I went to report that I had just been mugged. (I mean in the movies that’s what they do and I expected that that was also the right thing to do.) Yeah, the woman at the desk laughed at me because I was crying and looked like I wanted to beat the life out of her for laughing at me. She thought I was crying because I knew my mom would’ve beaten my ass. While that has some truth to it, I was really upset because that was my only phone, as a matter of fact, my bother lent it to me and it was a cool phone at the time and I knew I’d never get another great phone again just to teach me a lesson.

sophia Continue reading “Broken by the Benefit of the Doubt”

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New Approach

I used to brag about how different I was from the rest, how none-basic I am and how highly I thought of myself. Then I moved out of my parents house and moved in with my sisters so that I could attain tertiary education. I’m nothing like my siblings, I am a liberal thinker and doer. I studied the arts, I appreciate the arts way more than they ever will and not just because I am the youngest but I am nowhere near mature nor do I intend to be.

When I moved in with my sisters, I thought that all I had to do was go to school and get good grades. I was so wrong! It wasn’t until I had to prepare for a final presentation for my Oral Communications course that I thought that I was becoming a victim of the Cinderella Syndrome. Like I was shocked that it was an actual thing and that I was familiar with several victims of it, especially in my family.

Maybe I’m not really a victim but it sure feels like it sometimes. I do not have social freedom living with my sisters, one might think she gives/ allows me to have my freedom but then I think she needs to revise the definition of freedom. Maybe then she would see why I take every opportunity to be away from her or stay in my room. I can say that I avoid making friends or having any form of relationship for several reasons. Reasons that exist because my decisions must factor in how she will react should she know about anything that goes on in my life. Let me say that again.

Before I do anything that should really only concern me, I have to consider how and what I do for myself will affect my sister. How my life as an individual, an adult female university student studying communication arts and technology, will affect my adult sister who provides housing for me. Am I ungrateful? I could be. But I still think I am in my right to be unhappy with my situation. In Jamaica we have a saying, “If yuh want good, yuh nose haffi run” translation- that thing that you want won’t come easy, you have to work hard for it, maybe even suffer a little.

I’ve died inside, I wish I could say a little but I quite think it’s a lot. But once there is life there is hope (I’ve finally used this cliche), so in light of a new opportunity that has presented itself because I took a different approach I am going to try to do things a little different from now on. Nothing unorthodox or too much out of my comfort zone.

For one, I can’t post everyday. I tried, but I don’t think I’m quite there yet. I haven’t given up just yet, instead, I’ll post whenever inspiration knocks me over. Yup, I need it that much. Next, I’m gonna doubt myself a lot less and procrastinate as little as possible. Which seems to make what I said before this redundant, I’m not changing that.

Oh boy, I haven’t even posted this yet and I’m making a mess of it. Alright, the third thing, I’m gonna put myself out there more. Be a cut above the rest, be the liberal young thing I am. Continue to love my art, embrace it, share it…grow. Appreciate myself and my thoughts as much as my peers and friends do. My programme director said it best…I can’t quite remember what he said right now but when I do I’ll drop it as a comment.

Does this make any sense? I hope so!

I’m only being creative today, no energy for confusion.

Just the,

College girl.