Why can’t I?

I’ve been meaning to write something or post something here for the longest time. But procrastination which has become my worst trait, got the better of me. What have I been up to?

Well, this summer I got a job as a photographer. I managed to capture some beautiful moments, meet people I won’t soon forget and visit places I didn’t even know existed. I can’t help but think that this is something that every person would want to experience at some point in their life, and as a college student it was just like a bonus that I received compensation for it. Would I do it again? I might…but with my own demands.

What else?

I’m now in my third year of university, (one more year to go…hopefully) and my creative partner has returned. She had to sit out a semester due to medical complications and I am excited to see what we will come up with this year as a team. She’s an amazing individual, who initially intimated me and has now become my confidante. I hope in future I will be able to introduce her on this platform and the others I intend to pursue.

What else?

I’m single now and sorta kinda wanna start dating. I’m hesitant for a number of reasons, my main reason is this, I don’t think I know what I want in a man or what I even want a man for? I can have my pick of them, trust me…but I don’t want to cheat them out of being with the best version of me. Right now, I’m not at my worst, but I know I could be better.

Anything else?

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about changing my lifestyle and image. I want to cut my hair off again, just so I can be free from the “burden” of paying attention to it. I was so free when I did my first big chop, everyday I wore a pink bejeweled tam to school. Actually I wore that tam everywhere I could and it’s still in good condition. Should I cut my hair again anytime soon, I don’t plan to hide under the tam.

I’m not finished with this one.

Also, I’ve thought about going back to the gym. My trainer insists and I’m begging him to change up my progamme; or I promise to become bored and miserable every time I set foot into his space…again. Along with this return to fitness, I plan to record my journey… for real. Like I’m in discussion with a production team and I’ve decided that this will be good.

You’re hearing it first.

I might call it Chien Chronicles. Chien is short for Chieniel and that’s what my family and friends call me. Oh boy; “Hi I’m Chi-eh-ni-el but nobody usually gets it right the first time so you can call me Chien”. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve used this to introduce myself. Now I just shy away from meeting new people. Anyways, Chien Chronicles would be the video version of what I had envisioned my blog to be.

I’ve found that I have quite a lot to say and have been wasting my thoughts by keeping them to myself because I’m afraid I’ll offend someone but as a journalist it’s okay to offend sometimes, so long as you are speaking the truth…I beg to differ. (that’s why I can’t be a journalist). I wish I could just write them down and share them here, but I haven’t quite mastered the art of putting my expressions in my words. If you get what I’m saying.

I mean why can’t I just sit around my computer and type up what I’m thinking and how I feel?

Oh you mean like you’re doing now?

Who said that?

Why can’t I procrastinate less and push myself to do all those things I think about doing day after day? Why can’t I just get up, go to the gym, argue less with my trainer and squat more and get that workout done?

I’m stuck.

I was overwhelmed with so many answers just now, I’ve already forgotten what they were.

I can get up and just go to the gym and get my workout done. And I can procrastinate less and get more done. I can do so much! But deep down I have a fear that’s holding me back. I’m afraid of being successful. I’m afraid I’ll forget who I am too quickly. I’m afraid I’ll become one of the persons I criticize everyday. I’m afraid who I am right now isn’t who will be successful.

Why can’t I though? Who says I can’t?

Here’s to me! Taking on this challenge of proving myself to myself and introducing myself to the rest of the world. Will you come along for the ride?

Would you be interested in Chien Chronicles?

For now

I leave you and return to my thoughts as a tired and cranky

College Girl

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What could be better?

These days just about every day I am caused to consider what could be better. Like what could be better than my current living arrangement for school? What could be better than undertaking my current studies? What could be better than being my age and without responsibilities other than my own self? What could be better than just about everything that I have? Right now, I ask myself what could be better than being locked in my room, listening to Ed Sheeran sing “Kiss Me” and writing a blog that reaches so few?

My answer? So many things. I could be out taking pictures of the sunset, or sitting on a beach with my toes buried in the sand, catching up with a friend. I could also be sitting with my mother watching TV or making her dinner for a change. Where was I going with this?

I could be doing worse too. I could be in Kingston, roasting in what feels like preparation for hell or lying in a hospital bed with thoughts of only the inevitable. But I’m not am I? Nope, I’m in bed writing in the hopes that better thoughts will come to me as I share those I currently poses. I might as well share some of them.

How seriously do we take our appreciation for life? To stereotype it all, enjoying life is travelling, partying, dressing in what we swear looks to die for on us and in doing all these and many others, we ensure that the world knows what we are up to? Why am I saying we though?

My travelling consists of my bed to the shower to my bed or the fridge. I’ve never ever been to a party in my entire life; the one time I tried to go to a party, I was mugged and that just totally killed my vibe. I don’t dress up, I’m in a big old sweater and t-shirt all day even though it is the summer and my room isn’t air conditioned.

I’m not complaining about my life. But, there are times I wish I did dress up and look like a human female who would attract male human beings. Suitable male human beings at that.

There’s nothing wrong with sharing with the world that you are able to live the life that you want to. I just think that in the moment you stop to share with people who wish you well, wish they were with you in that moment, wish they could do the things you do or have the experiences you have had, or those who just wish you wouldn’t…you wouldn’t everything. I think in that moment, you could possibly miss a moment that would have been so much better.

I know there are moments worth capturing; after all how else would we have memes or know what you did every second of your life. By all means share them with the rest of the world. But enjoy life more, so much more that you think about it and try to do it all over again so that you can do it even better. Bear in mind that not all things are worth redoing neither can they be accomplished a second time around.

So many things could be better and are better than this post. I should know, I’m thinking of a few. But this is what’s good about this, while I won’t check how many persons read this, I will go to bed thinking this was received by quite a few persons. Hopefully what will be better is my next post.

Do you think by sharing your moments with the rest of the world means you aren’t enjoying life? How do you know that you are appreciating life; your life that is…

I’m not confused, I promise… Just

Creatively yours

College Girl

P.S.

I didn’t feel like proof reading this.