Broken by the Benefit of the Doubt

I’ve been writing what I hope will be my first book.

Thing is I haven’t been adding much to it as my new job kinda makes it difficult for me to write anything other than stuff for my job lately. I’ve just had a thought that may be a quick solution to this. I’ll either post to my blog while I’m on break at work or do some work on my book.

The book, by the way, will most likely be self-published if published at all. We’ll see how that goes.

Back to the topic…

I know my blog is all over the place but have you checked the name of my blog? Based on my bio I may seem a bit naive and optimistic, but the truth is I’m quite pessimistic. Well I know I am but the character assessments I’ve done say otherwise. But who knows me better than I do? Probably my mother-in-law.  Oh and the urban dictionary because they totally get me.

So according to the urban dictionary, I’m optimistically pessimistic…but I wonder if I could also be pessimistically optimistic. I don’t think that’s a thing as one would cancel out the other. Right?

Back to the topic…again

So I might just have given my book its title with this post. Here’s the thing, I don’t really like people but they don’t know that because my mother taught us to never treat people differently no matter what their situation is or how they’ve treated you or who they are. This doesn’t apply to my current neighbours though, I really don’t like them so I’ll continue to ignore and dislike them.

Back to the topic…seriously

For me, I give people the benefit of the doubt almost automatically and automatically it comes back to bite me in the ass. Thankfully not literally because I bruise easily.

Group projects- I try to take on new people to see their strengths and how I can include them in my network of creativity and confusion but they are waaaaay too confusing and lack creativity even though they told me they had what I needed.

Music-I hear a few songs by an artiste and I think oh their album might not be so bad, a can only listen to the song(s) that brought me to the album. I might have brought that let down on myself but isn’t that what the benefit of the doubt is?

Relationships-They talk their best game and I get sucked into their web of lies. I thought he was one of the good guys until he wasn’t. Like the guy, I wasted two years of my life on and all he did was suck the energy out of me. The others were easy to walk away from because I sensed the disappointment.

Snacks-A certain potato chip and their bag of air. Snacks that promise to be great and fresh but are stale and make me want my money back.

Giving people and things the benefit of the doubt is easy but its also hard. When your conscience warns you not to but you go against it and do it and regret it. Like the time I tried to go to my first ever after-school fete with my friends and got mugged. I knew I shouldn’t have gone because, (1.) I don’t like crowds and would not know what to do. (b.) if my mom found out she would’ve knocked me out because I didn’t have her permission to stay out late much less go to some fete where she knew absolutely no one who would be there and (3.) I’ve never had a birthday party or any party (even now) so what was I trying to do?

Needless to say, my ass has not been to another party or fete since. Except for office parties and I think that was like twice. Oh and the past summer when I was the camp photographer and worked the events. I learned that lesson the hard way.

Police officers- this comes from the way they treated me when I went to report that I had just been mugged. (I mean in the movies that’s what they do and I expected that that was also the right thing to do.) Yeah, the woman at the desk laughed at me because I was crying and looked like I wanted to beat the life out of her for laughing at me. She thought I was crying because I knew my mom would’ve beaten my ass. While that has some truth to it, I was really upset because that was my only phone, as a matter of fact, my bother lent it to me and it was a cool phone at the time and I knew I’d never get another great phone again just to teach me a lesson.

sophia Continue reading “Broken by the Benefit of the Doubt”

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Why can’t I?

I’ve been meaning to write something or post something here for the longest time. But procrastination which has become my worst trait, got the better of me. What have I been up to?

Well, this summer I got a job as a photographer. I managed to capture some beautiful moments, meet people I won’t soon forget and visit places I didn’t even know existed. I can’t help but think that this is something that every person would want to experience at some point in their life, and as a college student it was just like a bonus that I received compensation for it. Would I do it again? I might…but with my own demands.

What else?

I’m now in my third year of university, (one more year to go…hopefully) and my creative partner has returned. She had to sit out a semester due to medical complications and I am excited to see what we will come up with this year as a team. She’s an amazing individual, who initially intimated me and has now become my confidante. I hope in future I will be able to introduce her on this platform and the others I intend to pursue.

What else?

I’m single now and sorta kinda wanna start dating. I’m hesitant for a number of reasons, my main reason is this, I don’t think I know what I want in a man or what I even want a man for? I can have my pick of them, trust me…but I don’t want to cheat them out of being with the best version of me. Right now, I’m not at my worst, but I know I could be better.

Anything else?

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about changing my lifestyle and image. I want to cut my hair off again, just so I can be free from the “burden” of paying attention to it. I was so free when I did my first big chop, everyday I wore a pink bejeweled tam to school. Actually I wore that tam everywhere I could and it’s still in good condition. Should I cut my hair again anytime soon, I don’t plan to hide under the tam.

I’m not finished with this one.

Also, I’ve thought about going back to the gym. My trainer insists and I’m begging him to change up my progamme; or I promise to become bored and miserable every time I set foot into his space…again. Along with this return to fitness, I plan to record my journey… for real. Like I’m in discussion with a production team and I’ve decided that this will be good.

You’re hearing it first.

I might call it Chien Chronicles. Chien is short for Chieniel and that’s what my family and friends call me. Oh boy; “Hi I’m Chi-eh-ni-el but nobody usually gets it right the first time so you can call me Chien”. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve used this to introduce myself. Now I just shy away from meeting new people. Anyways, Chien Chronicles would be the video version of what I had envisioned my blog to be.

I’ve found that I have quite a lot to say and have been wasting my thoughts by keeping them to myself because I’m afraid I’ll offend someone but as a journalist it’s okay to offend sometimes, so long as you are speaking the truth…I beg to differ. (that’s why I can’t be a journalist). I wish I could just write them down and share them here, but I haven’t quite mastered the art of putting my expressions in my words. If you get what I’m saying.

I mean why can’t I just sit around my computer and type up what I’m thinking and how I feel?

Oh you mean like you’re doing now?

Who said that?

Why can’t I procrastinate less and push myself to do all those things I think about doing day after day? Why can’t I just get up, go to the gym, argue less with my trainer and squat more and get that workout done?

I’m stuck.

I was overwhelmed with so many answers just now, I’ve already forgotten what they were.

I can get up and just go to the gym and get my workout done. And I can procrastinate less and get more done. I can do so much! But deep down I have a fear that’s holding me back. I’m afraid of being successful. I’m afraid I’ll forget who I am too quickly. I’m afraid I’ll become one of the persons I criticize everyday. I’m afraid who I am right now isn’t who will be successful.

Why can’t I though? Who says I can’t?

Here’s to me! Taking on this challenge of proving myself to myself and introducing myself to the rest of the world. Will you come along for the ride?

Would you be interested in Chien Chronicles?

For now

I leave you and return to my thoughts as a tired and cranky

College Girl