Broken by the Benefit of the Doubt

I’ve been writing what I hope will be my first book.

Thing is I haven’t been adding much to it as my new job kinda makes it difficult for me to write anything other than stuff for my job lately. I’ve just had a thought that may be a quick solution to this. I’ll either post to my blog while I’m on break at work or do some work on my book.

The book, by the way, will most likely be self-published if published at all. We’ll see how that goes.

Back to the topic…

I know my blog is all over the place but have you checked the name of my blog? Based on my bio I may seem a bit naive and optimistic, but the truth is I’m quite pessimistic. Well I know I am but the character assessments I’ve done say otherwise. But who knows me better than I do? Probably my mother-in-law.  Oh and the urban dictionary because they totally get me.

So according to the urban dictionary, I’m optimistically pessimistic…but I wonder if I could also be pessimistically optimistic. I don’t think that’s a thing as one would cancel out the other. Right?

Back to the topic…again

So I might just have given my book its title with this post. Here’s the thing, I don’t really like people but they don’t know that because my mother taught us to never treat people differently no matter what their situation is or how they’ve treated you or who they are. This doesn’t apply to my current neighbours though, I really don’t like them so I’ll continue to ignore and dislike them.

Back to the topic…seriously

For me, I give people the benefit of the doubt almost automatically and automatically it comes back to bite me in the ass. Thankfully not literally because I bruise easily.

Group projects- I try to take on new people to see their strengths and how I can include them in my network of creativity and confusion but they are waaaaay too confusing and lack creativity even though they told me they had what I needed.

Music-I hear a few songs by an artiste and I think oh their album might not be so bad, a can only listen to the song(s) that brought me to the album. I might have brought that let down on myself but isn’t that what the benefit of the doubt is?

Relationships-They talk their best game and I get sucked into their web of lies. I thought he was one of the good guys until he wasn’t. Like the guy, I wasted two years of my life on and all he did was suck the energy out of me. The others were easy to walk away from because I sensed the disappointment.

Snacks-A certain potato chip and their bag of air. Snacks that promise to be great and fresh but are stale and make me want my money back.

Giving people and things the benefit of the doubt is easy but its also hard. When your conscience warns you not to but you go against it and do it and regret it. Like the time I tried to go to my first ever after-school fete with my friends and got mugged. I knew I shouldn’t have gone because, (1.) I don’t like crowds and would not know what to do. (b.) if my mom found out she would’ve knocked me out because I didn’t have her permission to stay out late much less go to some fete where she knew absolutely no one who would be there and (3.) I’ve never had a birthday party or any party (even now) so what was I trying to do?

Needless to say, my ass has not been to another party or fete since. Except for office parties and I think that was like twice. Oh and the past summer when I was the camp photographer and worked the events. I learned that lesson the hard way.

Police officers- this comes from the way they treated me when I went to report that I had just been mugged. (I mean in the movies that’s what they do and I expected that that was also the right thing to do.) Yeah, the woman at the desk laughed at me because I was crying and looked like I wanted to beat the life out of her for laughing at me. She thought I was crying because I knew my mom would’ve beaten my ass. While that has some truth to it, I was really upset because that was my only phone, as a matter of fact, my bother lent it to me and it was a cool phone at the time and I knew I’d never get another great phone again just to teach me a lesson.

sophia Continue reading “Broken by the Benefit of the Doubt”


Am I Jonah or Chieniel

Hey there! It’s been a while I know, but my excuse is the inevitable I had so many assignments to do I just couldn’t spare the time.

Now that I’ve cleared that up, I bet you’re wondering what this is about. And some of you may have guessed it, I’m giving you an update on my unadventurous life and comforting myself, sort of.

So I wrote some time ago that I had a fear of success and just before I started this post I googled it and The Jonah Complex was a part of my search results.  I should be writing a letter requesting financial assistance towards the completion of my studies and I am procrastinating because I’ve been in a slump with my writing for about two months now and I’m also afraid that my letter will not only go unanswered but even worse, rejected.

So what if it is? I wouldn’t be the first to be denied a scholarship.

Moving on…

Please tell me you know who Jonah is. I don’t personally know a fellow named Jonah, but hopefully, in the future, I will. Yes, I think the name Jonah would suit my son, let’s hope his father will agree. But that’s beside the point!

The Jonah I’m referring to is the prophet who was sent by God to warn the people of Nineveh of their impending doom. So Jonah’s challenge was to face a very wicked set of people and tell them that because of their distasteful behaviour they were gonna die. I mean who wouldn’t run from that kind of responsibility?

Jonah being swallowed up by a whale was fortunate but I know I’d want the whale to chew me before he swallowed for two reasons.

  1. Who swallows their food without chewing? I mean come on! Your mother didn’t raise a barbarian, did she? I’m very concerned about this creature being so careless and irresponsible with their health.
  2. I’m trying to die here so if you’re gonna be helpful do it right.

Now according to Wikipedia, which I shouldn’t be quoting right now because I was taught that it isn’t credible; the Jonah Complex is the fear of success which prevents self-actualization, or the realization of one’s potential. It is the fear of one’s own greatness, the evasion of one’s destiny, or the avoidance of exercising one’s talents. As the fear of achieving a personal worst may serve to motivate personal growth, likewise the fear of achieving a personal best may hinder achievement. (some CTRL+C was used just now along with CTRL+V).

How is it applicable to me?

You must not have been following. I’m supposed to be writing a letter requesting help to fund my tuition but because I’m afraid that my letter may not get the response I need I’m hesitant to write it. Deep down I know that I could write a letter that will blow the minds of the audience it is intended for but this semester has taken so much from me I can’t quite bring myself to put the words on paper.

But here I am and I’d appreciate it if you would stop judging me right now.

As a student of communication, it shouldn’t be this hard to write a letter and believe me that’s not even the issue. Boy, have I got layers? I don’t like asking for help. There I said it! It’s not pride, or is it? The idea of being rewarded for proving with some extra effort that I’m worthy of being compensated or rewarded just doesn’t make any sense to me. No these people are not familiar with me or my work, so they can’t just get up and invest in me as I’d like them to, so I need to prove to them that I am worthy of even their consideration.

Pssssh, they’ve made worse decisions. Not saying that I would be a regret. I’m a safe bet… it doesn’t get much safer than Chieniel. I’m also not saying that these people who reward students with grants and scholarships make bad choices.

So I guess there is some Jonah in me but at the end of the day, I am Chieniel.

Chieniel the communications specialist student who is worthy of a scholarship that will ensure that she is able to complete her Bachelors degree in Communication Arts and Technology, which she is excelling at just so you know. A degree meant for her; let’s just say that she puts the C-O-M in communicate. She wants to write, to represent, to create, share and impact. To do this she must complete her studies, however, she is financially challenged and this adds to her fear of being successful.

I hope this makes sense.

Yours in frustration

another struggling college girl

(Disney songs motivated this post)




I think I have them too often for someone who is crippled with procrastination. I mean I keep telling myself I’m going to do better and do more; then I sit back and fold my arms and forget about it. There have been moments when I gave in and actually did something I knew would be worth it.

Take for instance my new summer employment opportunity. Of course I could say summer job, but that’s so basic and almost everyone has one. I call it summer employment opportunity for three reasons.

Reason no.1

I applied for a job by using a risky resume. Well not necessarily risky, but I used information I had received last year from my summer employer and it worked. What’s that advice? I thought you’d never ask.

The Assistant Human Resource Manager for one of my country’s biggest financial institutions encouraged my batch of summer mentees to rework our resumes and evolve from the regular black and white, to the paper that gets the first pick out of the batch. I did and I ensured that I did the second thing she said. I’m gonna tell you, don’t worry. When you apply to especially their company, on your CV or resume if you will, include or highlight what they want to see. They needed summer camp teachers with specific skills, I am a certified educator and I am also a liberal student. So I applied with a not very plain resume. Resume just click that right there.

It worked, I was called for an interview and was presented with the opportunity however not for the position I had applied for.

Reason no.2

During my interview, I realized that I was failing to connect with my interviewers. They didn’t seem too pleased with my explanations of what I could bring to the table as a teacher. So in the most random and quite impressive way I brought up another skill that I possess. I am a media student, which means that I have photography, videography, audio-visual skills and experience. It worked! I am now the camp photographer.

The downside to this is one of my worst procrastinating ever. I signed up for a free online photography course for four weeks. The time difference made it just terrible. I could hardly bring myself to get up at 2 a.m. my time to learn photography, so after awhile I would just roll over after hitting snooze 10 times on my phone’s alarm. You live and you learn. All that I can do now is apply what I have been taught by my lecturer and youtubers to get this job done.

Just a side note; I hope to document my experience here. Sort of a challenge to myself that should prove interesting and give my page more traffic.

Now I had to present a plan of action to the coordinators of the camp and once again I did the unexpected. This time procrastination came in handy. It all came to me on the day the plan was due…yup I waited until the day my work was due to do it. I hope to change that in future. Wish me luck! I decided to do more than just photography.

I shall create a digital newsletter using a particular software. It will be time consuming and frustrating but well worth it. Why? I need to make up my portfolio as an editor and this is my start. I can just feel it! I’ll be doing other things but I’d rather not go into all of that.

Are you still with me? I’m almost finished…I promise.

Reason no.3

When I was told I had been successful; i.e. I got the job. I was told to look out for a certain email. I was so shocked that I hadn’t been able to follow the telephone conversation at the time. But it seems I may have received another opportunity with the company, which could mean working with two sets of persons and bringing home two pay cheques. Hey a girl has to be hopeful!

By the way this second opportunity requires completing an application. You guessed it! I did not apply.

So yes, I consider these opportunities. These are not easy to come by where I am from. You especially have to know someone who can get you in. I was told this by an employment specialist. These events have been huge for me because it means that I got to this part on my own merit.

What’s my lesson? I need to do more, after-all, I’m doing it for myself. If I’m going to make it and blow minds, I better start from here down at the bottom and shatter my way to the top. That sounds weird but it makes sense.

My epiphany. I knew this all along.

Wish me luck!

As I am today your Inspired College Girl